Monday, January 02, 2006

The only glaring significance of 31st December.

Ah, the new years. It's a time to move on and forget...

Not really.

The thing is, I find myself the same every year, confronting the same problems, and confronting demons within. From time to time, I fail, and won.

If there's one thing that seems to be some importance to me on 31st December, is when I met my first love, in 31st December, 1999. She was a chinese girl at the age of 17, and I was 18, a dumbass malay, and fresh out of high school (Oh, Thank God! I couldn't stand that school!). It was at that very moment, after the clock hits 12am, and fireworks ablazed, and lips met. And thus began the interracial relationship.

It was done in secrecy, with me quite often going to the Internet cafe that she was working in part-time. We shared moments with each other, sometimes silently, walking around the Golden Triangle enjoying every cherished memories we could make. At times, she asked me why I chosed her(over email. She's more talkative online). I could not say for I do not know why.

That time... was my first time I actually encountered love. The embraces, the brief kisses(we didn't do that often, as she didn't like to in public. As usual, my idiot male genes at times wanted to pucker. Good thing I knew a way to restrain.), the chatting... all of it was wonderful. But than I was 18, so there are things I didn't consider while at that age.

Will this relationship last?

How do I know if she really does love me?

How do I know that if I really do love her?

How do we support each other in the future?

Was it really love?

There are times that you can't trust your emotions, and there are times you wonder if love was real, or THAT real.

Alas, it did not last long. After 3 measly months, she wrote a letter to me that her parents found out, and she had to break the relationship. All because I was malay. I balked at it, and wrote a letter about how I feel. Again, I was 18. A really stupid kid.

And it's 7 years later, with very few attempts to create new relationships, all failed before it got started, and I realise that the love wasn't there... until I met another. Or so I thought. After so many moments of friendship in college, that person chosed another before I could make a move, and my heart was ripped to shreds after several online confrontations with her, ending it was that last talk of religion, and from my point of view, she never did had any feelings for me...

That thing about religion was the ultimate end to our friendship. THAT also forced me to reevaluate myself and what I thought about love and religion, and thus I chosen celibacy, choosing a life of a lone wolf, with only a handful of friends to depend on (don't know how long that will last.).

It was that very moment on 31st December, 2005, when I walked through the jolly yet rowdy population of celebrators, I went to the spot where I gave her my first embrace of love.

And there, I looked up from that same spot, watching the fireworks go by, and I stood there silently remembering how wonderful those memories are, and how I was stupid to just threw that away with frustration at the world.

Shereen Siow, where ever you are, and whoever you are with...

I just want to say I'm sorry, and no, this is not a reconcillation letter. I'm not attempting to get a second chance. It's just a article of apology and remembrance...

But Thank you... for everything.

You gave me something that I will alway cherished, which are memories, and gave me that sliver of what love really means.

I owe ya that, friend. And Happy New Year, and let's hope 2006 turns out for the better... *crosses fingers*


Hafiz, the Absurd Fellow.


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